I FEEL... NO, I AM LOST . . .

I seriously dont know what's wrong with me nowadays.
I feel lost... I'm losing someone important.
She's dying...It's not that I cant let her go
but the memories are a pain in the...back.
Its affecting me a lot..
I cant concentrate fully.
I'M LIKE A RETARDED EMPTY PERSON.
A LIVIN ZOMBIE... WHATEVER U NAME IT.
I guess u can tell by the way I describe things.
She almost died...
but I pray to Allah to let me do something before she
was invited to rest in peace.
And Allah did grant my doa, alhamdulillah!
She almost died...but seems that He 'delayed' her death.
I wanted to baca Yaasin for her...
as my last farewell gift and some bekalan for her peace later on.

But...I lost something that I didnt appreciate the last time.
I tried to read the Quran like I have always read before...
It seems like my kelancaran is fading away...
How can I read for her like this?
How long can she withstand before I can read for her?
Can fate really wait for me to do something like that?
Can her death wait for me?
I will have to rebuild everything again.

I pretended as if nothing happened.
I guess it went well.
My close friends; Farhanah, Atiqah, even Nabilah
cant tell.
Haha, you can say Im an excellent actress.
Boleh menang tempat pertama..(Prasan giler...)
Despite my happy and calm facade,
can you see?
can you see that I am struggling with my soul and will
to concentrate well?
can you see that i am praying most of the time,
hoping that i will get the chance to read for her?